imgrunengewolbe

It feels like it will never be okay. It feels like I'll never properly heal; I'm forever fragmented and damaged. It feels like I'll never have my own place on this world, yet I crave it so much. I want to be a part of something, yet I'm so scared, so so so scared. No one really gets it, and it's even worse.

I'm scared, like a little child of a darkness. For adults it's nothing, just a stupid fantasy, but for a child it's a whole danger. And that's how I feel like. Like a little child.

I'm scared of this world, of these people. And yet, no one really seems to understand it. Everyone sees it as something... silly, or even dumb. Just grow up from your trauma, it will be fine. No, it won't be ever fucking fine. I've lost many, many people just because I'm such a loser who can't comunicate properly, who can't socialize, who can't do anything around people.

It's like I AM supposed to be alone. Alone forever. Because who will understand me? Who will hold me? Only I, no others. And knowing who I am, someday I'm gonna die, in unknown street, completely alone. And no one will find me. Or will, someone unknown who won't be shocked by my death.

It will never be okay.
I'll never be okay.

Fifty to my head, I'll blow my brains out
Screaming in the mic until I blackout
Pa-pa-paranoid on the mute, my shit is so loud
Music as the last resort so I can make myself proud
Fifty to my head, I'll blow my brains out
Screaming in the mic until I blackout
Pa-pa-paranoid on the mute, my shit is so loud
Music as the last resort so I can make myself proud
Ты тратишь кислород лишь чтобы портить настроение
Не в добром здравии, но отведу все подозрения
С утра проснулся, страшно посмотреть на отражение
Я ненавижу вас, нахуй всё ваше население
Fifty to your head I'm gonna rock my shit
Screaming in your ears to get your fucking wig split
I got fingers on the bass and I ain't scared to let it rip
Watch me laugh and point the gun up to my face like it's a gift
Fifty to my head, I'll blow my brains out
Screaming in the mic until I blackout
Pa-pa-paranoid on the mute, my shit is so loud
Music as the last resort so I can make myself proud
Fifty to my head, I'll blow my brains out
Screaming in the mic until I blackout
Pa-pa-paranoid on the mute, my shit is so loud
Music as the last resort so I can make myself proud
Fifty to my head
Screaming in the mic
Put me on the mute
Music as the
Your body so good, it felt qute that I don't wanna
don't wanna, don't wanna chop it up
I'm laying in pool full of blood
And I'm gonna drain yours to the every last drop
Looking for benefit every second
You'll end up in bottomless pit
You don't wanna try, you just won't go outside
You are happy to rot in your chair
Raise up your grades for your mom, find a job
You don't wanna make her upset
But you will still be in your room
Till the moment that they find you dead
Не пизди на долбоёба, если он не уебан
Будь чутка терпимей к людям, и они пропишут в жбан
Приложи ствол к моей голове и нажми на курок
Схаваю все твои пули и отправлю в твой висок
Говорят что время лечит, но мои часы стоят
Громко лаешь, но твои кенты словно стая котят
Расскажи, что эти строки твою душу леденят
Я лишь хочу, чтоб ты задумался, тупой эякулят
Сколько можно тратить своё время на хуйню?
Буду тратить бесконечно и в апатии умру
Жить непросто, да и похуй, я ебал эту планету
За чужое пиздабольство я не дам тебе ответа
Fifty to my head, I'll blow my brains out
Screaming in the mic until I blackout
Pa-pa-paranoid on the mute, my shit is so loud
Music as the last resort so I can make myself proud
Fifty to my head, I'll blow my brains out
Screaming in the mic until I blackout
Pa-pa-paranoid on the mute, my shit is so loud
Music as the last resort so I can make myself proud

I wish I could die. I don't want to exist anymore. I don't want to be here anymore. It's been years trying to end my life, because I already for years think I have no future. And I still do think that.

Everyone wants to kick me out. From home, school, their lives.

I'm such a loser. I'm truly a loser.

I wish I could die. Die die die. Forever and ever. I know no one will miss me. I wouldn't miss myself either.

I want to die.

That day I lost feelings. And now I don't know what to do. I'm tired, I want to be free, not to have to deal with control and obssession.

I'm sorry.

My thighs
Are like a playground
I will play with a knife
While make a truly good story
Which I will hate

Head hurts. But can't sleep.

Summer came. My bedroom is full of sun's light, but I'm hinding under blanket, trying to forget about world. about myself. about my past. my people who I used to love. or even I still love them, because I never got over them.

Such a dead rat I am. but that's okay. it's okay. I try to accept myself like that. at the end I have myself next to me until my last breathe.

Maybe for now I could escape in bad, bad things... so it can get better...

Like a bird, stuck in a cage. Other birds laugh, laugh and laugh, while enjoying their freedom.

Like a bird, owner plays with me. Does anything what they want to. They rip off my wings, jealousy of other birds who can fly. I want to fly too. So I learned to walk, but the owner beats my back, so my legs become weak.

Like a bird, I can sing, but my voice has no sound. So only what others hear is a silence, deepful silence full of pain. Owner taped my mouth, my silence was too loud for them. They were annoyed by my pain. I have to help them, be their support, not asking for a help.

Like a bird, I feel how I want to give up, but I don't want to. I see the light from the window, how sun shines on my tired face and I can only image how happy I would be to be outside, feeling fresh air.

Like a bird, I lie on my back. Owner sees and thinks I'm dead. They dump me from a cage, but someone stop them, saying I need help. Owner says to that someone they can do whatever they want to with me, it doesn't matter.

Like a bird, I expected to be again in a cage. I was so angry that Mrs. Death won't let me go. But that someone didn't put me in a new cage. They put me on bed sheel, saying it will be okay, things will be better now. They put bandage on my broken wings, teach me how to walk, give me enough food and water, go outside and watch the world full of flowers, while I see how that someone smiles at me.

Like a bird with broken wings, I won't fly anymore, but I got someone next to me, who cares, who really cares. So do I.

Why do you still look at me?

Stop it. I know one day you're gonna hate me, like everyone else do. There's nothing special in me. I'm a person, who never supposed to exist. A pure mistake in the universe. You know that. You just have a pinky pink glasses on.

Stop looking at me.

You know too well I'm a monster.

I will always be a monster. Just let yourself go, I don't mean anything.

You might not know it yet, but I know it already. You hate me. Part of you hates me. And always hated me. Don't try to hide it or ignore it. Let it go.

A hate is something what I deserve to.

Someday I won't be here anymore and I know you will be finally happy.

"You're a smart girl, so you can solve it!" they said, when I asked them for a help, because I was bullied that time.
"You can do it by yourself, you're so adultish already!" they said, when I needed a home, where I get food, water, help, peace and love.
"You're too big to play with toys!" they said, when my coping mechanism was playing with toys, because I felt like they understand me.
"You have to study and prepapre for a future!" they said, when I just wanted to go outside to watch flowers, buy a sweet drink and chill around.
"You must be perfect, no mistakes!" they said, but I was a child, not a robot.
"Adult life is not for weak, you're doing it greatly!" they said, when I was a fucking child.

"You're smart, why do you act you're stupid?" they say now, when I don't understand something.
"Act your age, why do you play with toys?" they say now, when I age regression and play with toys to feel better.
"You should buy for yourself make up, clothing, save for a car, house!" they say now, when they find out I buy with my money toys, plushies, books, art stuff and something cute.
"You're totally normal, you're just lazy!" they say now, when I struggle with daily tasks and with myself.
"You need to think about your life and future!" they say now, but they keep forgetting I'm an adult without any childhood.

Saw her messages of conversation between her and her friend. They talked about me. Her friend said I seem to be toxic and manipulative. That I can destroy her. That I could be "a potential danger".

She only said that sometimes I'm like this and she understands me.

I have so much mixed feelings about this. Her friend doesn't even know me face-to-face and already says this. And she... she's just basically agreeing I'm like this, but still trying to "protect" me?

It makes me sad.

Very sad.

And also gives me a feeling no one will ever see me as a human. Maybe I'm not even a human? Maybe I'm just a monster? Maybe that's why everyone acts like this to me... maybe that's why I had to go through what I had to go through.

I don't know.